Holding His Forever Read online

  4

  Phoenix

  “I’m reluctantly putting you back on the truck. But I’ve got my eyes on you, Phoenix. Dr. Birch said you’re making progress and that he’s comfortable with putting you back on full time.”

  My meeting with the shrink went okay. I don’t like to sit down and talk about my feelings, but I’ve only ever wanted to do one job, and that’s being a firefighter. I’ll do anything to get back to that, including talking to a stranger about my grief. I’m still not one-hundred-percent inside, but I’ve got to have this, because otherwise, I’m nothing.

  “Thank you, sir,” I say, trying not to push him too far. I want to stay on Captain’s good side, and the best way to do that is to shut my mouth.

  “I’m giving Graham the night off, so you’re up. You think you can handle that?”

  I nod, and he waves a hand at me, telling me to get out of his office.

  When I get upstairs I talk to a few of the guys and read over Graham's report from the night before. I go over some new training steps with them, and we do a gear check. It takes the better part of the day and into the night to review it all. Then we get to work on pulling hoses and checking the trucks. There is always work to be done in a firehouse, and it’s exactly what I need. The distraction keeps my brain from going to dark places, and the routine makes me feel like I’m getting back to the old me.

  “What about you, Phoenix?”

  I look up at Gordon, one of the young guys. “Huh?”

  “I said, you up for drinks on Friday? We’re going out after shift change to find some pussy. You in?”

  I laugh and shake my head, going back to checking the rear engine.

  “Come on, man. How long has it been since you got laid? You never talk about getting any.”

  He and a few of the guys laugh, and I just keep working while I answer him.

  “Two things, Gordon. First, a man doesn’t need to tell his friends that it happened to prove that it happened. And second, if a woman is willing to take her clothes off and let you fuck her, you’d do well to treat that with some respect. Because that woman is probably a saint.”

  I look over at him and see his cheeks turn a little pink as the other guys give him shit. It’s been a long time since I had a woman, but that’s not anyone’s business. I think about holding a woman in my arms and making love, but it’s always followed by the “what ifs.” If I had someone, then I’d have something to lose, and with my job, so would they. If I was in love and had a family, what would happen if one day I didn’t come home? The pain of those thoughts is enough to have me pulling back from any woman who’s tried to do more than say hello to me. I know it’s a part of the job, and it’s a fear we all have. But at least this is one thing I can control.

  5

  Phoenix

  When the alarm sounds, I’m in motion. I’ve been doing this so long I don’t even have to think. My body just goes. Everyone’s hauling ass out of bed, doing the same routine we’ve done hundreds of times. It’s just ingrained deep into us. Not until I’m on the back of the truck do I really start using my head, thinking about what we might be going into. The adrenalin pumps through me, racing through my body. It’s the only thing I seem to feel anymore. Almost like a small high that brings me to life for just a moment in time. A rush of something that isn’t laced with grief and death. That is, until I stop moving and remember where I’m heading. That lives depend on me. Not just the ones I’m racing to, but the ones following me into fire.

  We haven’t had a call all day or night, and we already know this one is a live fire. This isn’t just a response, someone having smacked their car into someone else, or even someone having a heart attack. We are always first on scene, but this time we know. We’re going into danger. I smell the smoke before I see the fire lighting up the sky as we take the sharp turn around the corner.

  “I smell gas,” I say into my headset. Arson. “Eyes open.” I scan the street as the fire truck comes to a stop in front of the old Laundromat that sits on the corner, only one other building connecting to it. I check if anything looks out of place, but the street is already starting to fill with people wanting to know what’s going on.

  “We got rentals,” I bark into my mic, taking in the windows above the Laundromat as I drop from the truck. “Gordon and Nick, take the connecting building to the right.” I scan the windows of the Laundromat, thankful that it’s closed. “Rich, see if you can check the ground floor. It looks closed,” I order as I head for the door that leads to the rentals above.

  “I’m guessing two apartments, Phoenix,” Mitch says into my ear.

  “I’ll take the second door. You take the first,” I say in agreement as he follows me to the door leading up to the apartments upstairs. We don’t hesitate, knowing the ground door will be locked. We both kick in unison, and the door easily gives way as I follow the shattered wood in and up the stairs with Mitch hot on my ass. The smoke hits us hard. When I reach the top floor, I head for the second door. I hear Mitch bust into the first room. I look up and see a woman stumbling out of the apartment I was just about to enter.

  Her blonde hair falls all around her, looking like a halo. The smoke eats up my vision of her, and for just a moment I think she’s an angel. The light on my helmet hits her face, and it’s as if her ice-blue eyes look right through me. It’s like a punch to my system, knocking the air out of my lungs, making me think I’ve finally lost it.

  Then she’s falling.

  I dive to catch her, making sure my body hits the hard floor and not hers. Turning quickly, I have us both back on my feet, with her cradled in my arms.

  “There anyone else in there with you?” I yell as loud as I can through the mask. Her eyes flutter open, and her mouth barely moves, but I easily read the “no.”

  The echoes of the word “clear” sound in my headset, letting me know the building has been searched. I carry the woman in my arms as I head down the stairs, and Mitch follows me.

  “Got one. We’ll need an ambulance,” I bark out.

  “One’s here,” someone shouts back, and I see it when I hit the bottom of the stairs. I keep running towards it, reluctant to hand her over to the EMT, who has his arms open for her. I don’t want to hand her over, but I do. Once she’s out of my arms, I rip off my mask and turn to Mitch.

  “Fire’s out,” he informs me.

  “Run a second search.” I turn back and look down at the blonde angel, whose eyes are wide open now. She’s staring right at me while the EMT tries to put a mask on her, but she keeps trying to push it away. Clear confusion is all over her face. She looks lost and confused, a feeling I know all too well.

  I strip off my coat and part of my gear, dropping it between the ambulance and the fire truck. Her hand reaches out to me, like she thinks I’m leaving. I’m not sure I could, even if Mitch tried to pull me away. Something about her. She needs me. I tell myself that’s what’s happening, but a voice deeper inside me tells me that’s a lie. I need her.

  “Ma’am, you need to put the mask on,” I hear the EMT tell her, but she keeps trying to push it away with her other hand, the other one still reaching for me. “I’m going with her,” I throw over my shoulder to Mitch.

  “Sir,” he says. I turn and cut him off with a look.

  “Take my shit.” I drop a few more things down onto my coat. I’m going. The building is clear, and the fire is out.

  He just nods and does as he’s told. “You got this,” I tell him, because he does. He nods again and heads back to the truck. I turn and grab her hand.

  “Put the mask on,” I say, leaning down next to her. Even through the smoke smell, I get the hint of peaches coming from her. Her skin looks as soft, and I can’t stop from moving my thumb on the hand that is holding hers. It’s as if I have to feel her to confirm what I was thinking.

  Her full lips open just a little. “Don’t leave me,” she whispers before closing her eyes and passing out.

  “Never.”

  6


  Phoenix

  I hold her hand all the way to the hospital as the EMT checks her over. I watch each breath she takes, unable to look away from her. She hasn’t woken up by the time we get to the hospital, but they assure me she’s okay. I still can’t seem to not worry about her.

  “Pulse is strong. Looks like she’s going to be fine. Probably just some minor smoke inhalation,” the EMT says, but I don't even glance over at him. I’m physically unable to do so.

  When the back doors open, they wheel her off, and I stay with her. I go all the way back until the nurses take over and pull her into an emergency area. One of the nurses looks at me and sees I’m a firefighter.

  “Family?” she asks, raising an eyebrow in question.

  I want to lie and say yes, but then she’ll probably start asking me questions, and I have no idea what to say. I don’t even know her name. This is the craziest thing I’ve ever done, and I don’t have any sort of explanation for it. I just walked off location. The fire was done and taken care off, but it still wasn't protocol.

  I let out a breath looking down at her and then back to the nurse. “No. But I have to stay with her.”

  She must see in the plea in my eyes, and she nods.

  “You can stay, but you’ll have to go to the other side of the curtain for a bit. There’s a seat in the hall. I’ll keep you updated.”

  Giving my angel one last look, I let go of her hand and walk out into the hallway. Something in my chest aches, and I don’t want to leave her side. I can’t reasonably stay there while they are checking her over, but the irrational part of my brain doesn’t care.

  There was a moment during the fire, as the adrenaline and chaos kicked in, that I crossed over from doing my job to doing something selfish. I saw the desperate, scared look in her eyes, and I don’t know how or why, but we connected. I should have been focused on helping her instead of wanting to take her, but I wasn’t able to think straight. I was struck by her beauty, yes, but something stronger was pulling me in her direction.

  I sit there nervously, bouncing my knee, waiting on something to change. I can’t sit here not knowing what’s happening any longer, and I start to get up. Just as I put my palms on the armrests to push myself up, the nurse comes out and gives me a smile.

  “She’s asking for you.”

  I jolt up and take three long steps into her room. There’s another nurse writing some things down on a chart and asking her questions, but when she sees me, her blue eyes light up.

  “I thought I dreamed you up,” she says, a slight blush hitting her cheeks. “I just asked the nurse if a firefighter came in with me, and she said you were in the hall. Thanks for staying. You can leave now if you need to. I’m sorry I asked you to stay with me. I think I was just panicking.”

  She looks away, and I step closer, taking her hand. I look down and don’t see a ring on her finger, so I’m assuming she’s single.

  “I wanted to stay and make sure you were okay.” I hesitate, hating to ask. “Is there someone I can call for you? A husband? Boyfriend?”

  I see the nurse give me a sly smile, like she knows my game. “We’ve already asked Ms. Clover about next of kin,” the nurse says, still scribbling on her chart.

  “Fia. Fia Clover,” she says. “And no, I don’t have anyone else to contact.”

  My heart both aches and jumps for joy. I don’t like that she has no one else she can call in an emergency, but I’m all too happy she’s single.

  “I’m…” I hesitate for half a second. I was about to tell her my last name, then change my mind. “Derek.”

  She gives me a shy smile and squeezes my hand. The warm feeling of her soft palm in mine is much better than anything I could have expected. It’s borderline erotic, and I’m just holding her hand. God, what would it feel like to rub my hand around her waist to the small of her back?

  “Sir?”

  I look up to see the nurse looking at me expectantly, like she’s asked me a question several times.

  “Excuse me?” I clear my throat and blink a few times, hoping she’ll say it again.

  “I said, do you mind moving over a bit? I need to see the machine behind you.”

  Stepping to the side, I have to let go of Fia’s hand, and I immediately miss the connection. I’m a little embarrassed she had to ask me to move, but Fia is biting her lip, trying to hide a smile. I must have just completely zoned out.

  “Okay, Ms. Clover, I don’t see any reason not to release you back into the wild.” The nurse smiles softly at her. “Do you have somewhere you can stay tonight? From what the EMTs said, your building will be closed off for at least a night while they investigate the cause of the fire.”

  I’d heard some chatter on the radio but hadn’t bothered to click over and listen. I should have, because this was her home. I look down at Fia and see the indecision on her face.

  “I’m sure I can come up with something,” she answers quietly.

  The nurse indicates to the chart and starts to head towards the door. “I’m going to process this, and then you’ll be on your way.”

  She doesn’t notice the pale look on Fia’s face, or the fear in her eyes. I catch it, and I can tell something is wrong. My heart aches that she’s worried, and I step closer, taking her hand again to try to comfort her.

  As if she remembers I’m in the room, she startles at my touch and looks up at me. She smiles quickly and then looks away.

  “Thank you for your help. If you don’t mind, I’m going to get out of here now.”

  She tries to pull her hand back, but I just hold it tighter, not letting her go.

  “Hey, do you have some place to stay?” I ask softly.

  She nods, but doesn’t meet my gaze, and I’m almost sure I can see what looks like tears forming at the corners of her eyes. Her nose turns red like she’s fighting them, and I can’t just stand by anymore.

  I sit on the edge of the bed and gently touch her chin, making her look up at me. It’s then a tear falls, and I see the grief in her eyes.

  “Everything is gone, isn’t it?”

  I’ve seen this countless times with victims of a fire. They’ve lost all their possessions, and the thought hits them all at once that they have nothing.

  “Everything in the apartment, maybe. But you’re here, and you’re safe, Fia. That’s the most important thing.”

  She closes her eyes at my words and takes a deep breath. “I just don’t know if that’s true anymore.” Her shoulders sag with the weight of her words, and it’s as if she’s been carrying something around for so long that she’s just exhausted.

  “Hey, hey. Don’t talk like that.” I rub my thumb on her wrist and then with my other hand wipe away the tears that have fallen.

  “I’ve got to go. It’s late.” She starts to pull away from me, but again, I don’t let her go.

  “Where are you going? I can take you somewhere.”

  She looks up at me, and I can see her indecision about telling me. She lets out another breath like she’s giving up, and waves her hand dismissively.

  “There’s a shelter I volunteer at. I’m sure I can grab a bed for the night until I get this sorted out.”

  I don’t know her enough to make her do something, but I can offer a better solution.

  “I’ve got a friend who’s got a place that’s free if you want it. He’s at the firehouse a lot and it just sits empty. If you want, I can give you the key and you can crash there for a few nights. Just until this gets sorted out.”

  She looks hopeful, but then she just shakes her head no. “Thanks, but I’ll manage.” She looks away, not meeting my eyes.

  “Seriously. We all stay at the station most nights, and he’s on for the next week. So it’s completely free to use. I wouldn’t offer if it wasn’t okay.”

  She bites her lips as if thinking on it. If she doesn't have any family or friends, and all she had in the world was in that crappy apartment, then I’d venture a guess and say she doesn’t like ta
king handouts. She must want to work for what she’s got, or at least feel like she’s not trying to catch a free ride.

  “Look, if you’d feel better about it, you can make him some cookies or something as a thank you. Unless you can’t cook, then maybe you could just clean the place as payment.”

  Fia smiles at my words, and a spark of hope hits her eyes. She nods and then clears her throat.

  “Yeah, that would be really great actually. It’s late, so the shelter is probably full for the night. I’m sure I can make arrangements in the next day or two.”

  “Like I said, it stays empty for weeks at a time. Don’t worry about it. We’ll go by the fire station to get the key, and then to the apartment. I’ll take care of everything.”

  It’s like another weight of bricks has been removed from her shoulders as she sighs with relief. I don’t know how long it’s been since someone has taken care of her, but I’m glad I’m the one doing it now.

  I think she might be doing the same to me, too. For some reason, being near her pushes away my dark thoughts and keeps all the sadness that’s been consuming me at bay. Being in her presence has taken away all the cold inside and brought light and warmth to me. I don’t know what she’s doing, or how she’s doing it, but I don’t want it to stop. Maybe she really is an angel.

  Just then, the nurse walks in and gives her the discharge papers. She explains in detail the signs to look for and the dangers of smoke inhalation. Once she’s released, I hold her hand and walk her out of the hospital.

  She tries to pull her hand away once we’re outside, but I just hold it tighter. “No use in trying to get away now,” I say, giving her a wink.

  Her cheeks flush red, but she just stands by my side, not fighting me.

  “I don’t even know you,” she whispers as we stand at the curb. I throw my free hand out for a cab. We took the ambulance here, so this is the only way to get back to the station to get the keys.