Holding His Forever Read online

  A cab pulls up, and I open the back door for Fia, but she stands there a second before we get in.

  “Do you trust me?” I ask, looking into her beautiful blue eyes.

  For a second I panic, thinking about what she might say, but she gives me a small smile and puts her hand on my chest.

  “I don’t know why, but yes, Derek, I trust you.”

  I pull her hand off my chest and kiss her palm, feeling the warmth of her skin spread to my lips and through my body. Her touch does wild things to me. Smiling, I help her into the cab and give the driver the station address.

  Then I stare at her, with the goofiest grin on my face, the whole way there.

  7

  Fia

  “This place is really nice,” I say, looking over and up at Derek. He looks like a warrior towering over me, the top of my head barely meeting his shoulder. His dark hair is cut short. His facial features are all hard lines, but when a small smile pulls at his lips, his face completely changes, making his dark brown eyes seem soft. The ring of green on the outside of his irises seem to come to life. It makes me want to do something to make him smile again.

  When I’d come stumbling out of my apartment, he was just standing there, looking like my savior. I thought for a moment he wasn’t real. Everything seemed to happen in a fog.

  The only reason I’d woken up was because the sounds of the sirens had jolted me awake. Then I’d smelt the smoke, and everything became a fog. Literally and figuratively. There was only him, and everything went black until he was there again. Every time I opened my eyes, he was there, and I’d felt like everything was going to be okay in that moment. That I didn’t have to worry. As long as I kept hold of him, I’d be fine.

  He’d kept me safe. A feeling I hadn’t had in a long time, one that left when my mother left this world. But the reality of it is, he isn’t mine, and I’m not sure I want to wake up from that fog and face the world again. Or take stock of what pieces of the world I used to have are now left.

  “Ah, yeah, I guess.” He turns from looking at me to look around the apartment like he’s never seen it before. I’m not sure it’s even an apartment. It’s more of a townhome. It’s better than any place I’ve ever stayed before.

  It’s modern but clean. It has an open living area with a giant TV mounted on the wall, and a dining room and kitchen flow into each other. Everything matches and has a place. You could easily fit my little place into this four times over.

  The furnishings are all in deep wood colors, making it look masculine. It almost looks unlived in, as if it’s one of those houses to show people the home’s potential.

  I don’t want to touch anything in case I mess it up. It makes me feel a little out of place, like I shouldn’t be in here. “Are you sure this is okay? I can really just”

  “No, it’s fine,” he says, cutting me off and pulling me further into the home. “Kitchen, dining room, and living room.” He points to each area, then starts to pull me down the hall.

  “An office here and spare bathroom here.” He points to two closed doors, but keeps pulling me down the hall. “This room is just empty.” He points to another closed door, not bothering to open it. We get to the last door in the hallway. He pushes to the door open, pulling me in with him.

  I don’t know why I’m not scared. I should be freaking out, letting a man I don’t know drag me around an unfamiliar home. We are completely alone, but all I feel is safe.

  “The bedroom,” he says, releasing my hand and walking over to the bed.

  The bedroom looks just like the rest of the house. Pretty but simple.

  I look down at myself, thinking about crawling into the perfectly made bed. The hospital gave me some tie pants and a baggy shirt that reads Mercy West Hospital across the chest, but it was a pointless endeavor because I’ve made them smell like smoke.

  The reminder makes me want to cry. I have no freaking clothes, and the ones I do have, smell. I push down the lump rising in my throat. I’ll make the bed smell just as bad if I crawl into it, and right now that’s all I want to do.

  Sleep, if only for a few hours, before I need to get to my first job of the day.

  When I look back up, Derek is standing right in front of me.

  “You want a shower, angel?” His words are soft and sweet, such a contrast to his giant size.

  “I smell like smoke. I don’t want to get it on the bed.” I think about the leather sofa in the living room. Maybe I could shower and sleep on that. It feels wrong to sleep in someone else’s bed. Intimate.

  “Alright. Take a shower.” He nods to a door, which I’m guessing leads to the bathroom. “And I’ll find you something to wear. I’ll put it on the bed. Towels should be in there.”

  “Thank you for everything. I promise I’ll be out of your hair in no time.”

  “No rush.” His hand comes up and cups my cheek for just a second as he brushes a thumb across it. He leaves the room and shuts the door behind him.

  I turn, going into the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror. The sight makes me cringe. I normally don’t care what I look like, but I look a freaking hot mess. My eyes are red underneath, and smudges of smoke mar my face and arms. My blonde hair almost looks a shade darker than its usual color.

  I turn away and flip on the shower, dropping my clothes to the floor, wanting them and the smoke removed from my body as fast as possible. I don’t know how many times I wash my hair, trying to make sure the smell is gone, but when exhaustion finally catches up to me, I give in. I turn off the water and pull myself from the bathroom.

  I see the clothes sitting on the side of the bed, and the bedroom door is closed once again. I let myself fall into bed. I just want to rest my eyes for a second before I get dressed and pull myself to the living room.

  But before I know it, sleep takes me.

  8

  Phoenix

  I wait a long time, longer than I thought possible, before going and knocking on the bedroom door. I put my ear to it, and when I don’t hear anything, I crack it slightly and call out her name.

  “Fia? Are you decent?”

  Reluctantly I look in and see that she’s tucked in under the covers, fast asleep, even though the overhead light is on and the sun is coming up outside. I’m used to going without sleep, but she must be utterly exhausted. She looks right in my bed. Like she belongs there. Giving my plain bedroom life. Making it feel like a home, and not a place I dread. It’s been months since I’ve wanted to crawl into my own bed, but that’s all I want to do in this moment.

  I turn off the light in the room and walk over beside the bed. I touch her cheek, and she leans into me a little, making my heart swell. I kiss my finger, then place the finger on her lips, whispering goodnight.

  Before I leave, I tape a note to the door, hoping that she’ll see it when she finally wakes up.

  Fia,

  Headed to work, but there’s a phone in the kitchen if you need anything. I’ve left my number on the table next to it, along with the key to the apartment. Call me when you get up, maybe we can meet for dinner?

  Derek

  I think about the note all the way to work, wondering if I said the right thing. She’s probably too traumatized about losing all her stuff to think about dinner. Maybe I should go back and just wait for her to wake up. If she’s got no one, then she may not have a way to get more clothes or food. She may need help getting around.

  By the time I reach the fire station, I’m in a state of anxiety about leaving her alone. I need to get back to her, to make sure she has everything she might need. So instead of going in and getting to work, I head to the Captain's office.

  “Sir, I’m going to need a couple of days off.”

  He looks at me like I’ve suddenly grown two heads.

  “Wasn’t it just yesterday we were talking about me pulling you if I thought you weren’t up to it? Then last night I hear about you taking a woman from that arson fire to the hospital?”

  “Yeah,
about that,” I say, walking into his office and taking a seat. “The guys had it under control, and one of the victims wanted me to stay with her until she was released. She didn’t have anyone else with her and no next of kin. I gave her a place to stay, and I wanted to take some time off to make sure she’s settled before I come back to work.”

  He taps a folder next to him. “This is the report I’m sending over to the police department this afternoon on the findings from the fire. The guys from last night jumped on the paperwork for the investigation. It’s definitely arson, so I’m sure you’ll be asked a few questions. Just keep close to your phone until this settles.”

  I nod, standing up and turning to leave his office. Before I get out the door, he calls my name.

  “Phoenix.”

  “Yes, sir?” I ask, looking back.

  “Be careful.”

  I nod, not really understanding. He never tells us that, even when we’re about to walk into a burning building. He usually just tells us to suit up and keep our heads on straight. But by the time I’m back out and headed to the store, his words of caution are already forgotten.

  “Strawberry or mango?”

  The old lady looks at me and smiles, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m not sure, but I’m sure she’ll be happy you made the effort either way. Good luck, handsome.”

  She reaches up, squeezing my cheek, and I still feel lost. I’ve got a cart overflowing with things for Fia. I already bought her some clothes and shoesbasic things that I know can help her get through a few days. Then I came to the drug store, and I’ve loaded up on what I hope is something close to what she needs. Lotions and soaps, hairbrushes, a blow dryer. Women need so many things, and I want her to have what she wants. But I can’t decide between strawberry and mango shampoo.

  Giving up, I throw both into the cart and head for the candy aisle.

  I don’t know anything about Fia, but something about her has taken hold of me. Maybe it’s the need to protect and care for her because she’s in a vulnerable situation, but something deeper in my heart is feeling the connection. I’ve got fears that come with it though. That she might reject me, or that I could get attached to her, and the worst thought of all is that maybe she doesn’t feel this pull, too.

  I’ve steered clear of dating women for most of my career because of the kind of job I have. In the blink of an eye, it can all be taken away, and I’d never wanted to put someone through that before. But then I think of my mom and dad and what an amazing marriage they had. And it wasn’t a fire that separated them, it was my mother’s cancer.

  Looking to their relationship always made me long for my own. Fear has kept any possibility of that at arm’s length. But last night, Fia was thrown into my arms, and I wasn’t given a choice. Suddenly all the worry and dark clouds that have been hanging over me have been lifted, and something new and bright has replaced them. My angel found me, and suddenly I’m alive for the first time. I want to grab onto any part of it, even if I can only have it for a moment. I’ll take whatever I can get, but I’m going to fight like hell to make sure it’s forever.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I look down, hoping it’s her. When I see it’s my dad, I answer and think briefly what it would be like to introduce her to him.

  “Hey, Dad.”

  “Sunshine! I’ve heard you made a lady friend.”

  I roll my eyes, thinking about how Captain Thomas have been friends for forty years, so nothing passes by either of them.

  “Did you? Wonder where you got that information.” I half-smile. People think only women gossip. That’s complete bullshit. Get ten men in a room and all they have to do is talk, they’ll start going on about all kinds of shit. I think some men at the firehouse could give the ladies down at the church potluck a run for their money.

  “You know a gentleman never reveals his sources. But never mind that. Just wanted to call and tell you that I love you and I can’t wait to meet her.”

  I feel myself smile when I hear his own happiness. My father said my mom wanted more than anything for me to find happiness with someone. And then I think, maybe she had a hand in all this. God knows it would take someone being thrown at me, for me to recognize someone standing right in front of me. But then I picture Fia’s beautiful blue eyes, and I know there’s no way I would miss her. Not in a crowd of a thousand people. I’d always find her and want her in my arms. But I like the idea that maybe my mom sent an angel, and I’m going to make sure I take care of that gift.

  “Why don’t you let me meet her first? And then I’ll bring her to see you.”

  God, this is all happening so fast, and what if it’s only happening in my head? What if, when I get back to the apartment, she takes one look at me and decides I’m not worth it?

  Shaking off that thought, I know that’s not going to happen. She felt that connection, too. There’s something between us that both of need to figure out, and I plan on doing just that.

  “Fine, fine, take your time, my boy. But don’t keep me waiting. I’ve got grandbaby fever already.”

  Sighing, I get off the phone, promising to bring her by as soon as I can. If the old man wasn’t so adorable, I’d probably go crazy.

  “Okay,” I say to myself, looking at the candy. “What does a beautiful woman who’s lost everything in a fire and who’s currently asleep in my bed want as a snack?”

  9

  Fia

  I snuggle deeper into the softest bed I’ve ever slept in, feeling the morning sun hitting my face. Rolling over onto my back, I stretch, a smile spreading across my face. I haven’t felt this relaxed in…

  My eyes pop open, and memories of last night flood my brain. I bolt from the bed, looking around the room for a clock.

  Ten o’clock. Shit! I’m late! It’s then I realize I’m stark naked, the fluffy towel I used last night lying discarded on the floor. I’m naked in a man’s home. I just crashed last night, not even thinking about what I was doing. I’d only meant to rest my eyes for a moment. Maybe because while last night might have been a mess and set me back months and months, I’d never felt safer in my life. In that moment when I was in Derek’s arms, and when he just held my hand, I knew nothing could happen to me. From the sheer determination in his eyes, I knew he’d never let anything touch me.

  It was the first time I could ever remember feeling nothing but calm in a man’s presence. Unafraid. It was refreshing and just felt so right with him. The thought of leaving here makes a knot form in my stomach. I don’t want to leave. I want to crawl back into the bed and sleep for a few more hours, maybe even days, but that just isn’t an option.

  I grab the clothes still sitting in a pile at the end of the bed and slide the shirt from the firehouse over my head, making me miss Derek even more. The thing falls to my knees and looks more like a dress. Next I grab the sweatpants and pull them up my legs. I have to roll them a million times to get them to fit.

  I walk into the bathroom and look for the slippers the hospital gave me. I put them on, then grab the clothes off the floor. I want to make sure I don’t leave anything a mess, so I quickly put the towel in the laundry basket and make the bed back right before leaving the room and heading towards the kitchen. I’m hoping Derek will be here, but when I enter I see no one.

  I won’t even get to say goodbye. I know he said I could stay here a few days, but it doesn’t feel right. I don’t even know whose place this is, and Derek is gone. After tossing the hospital clothes into the trash, knowing I’ll never get the smoke smell out, I look for a piece of paper and pen. That’s when I see a note from him taped to the front door. I pick it up and read it.

  The note makes butterflies take flight in my stomach. He’s so nice, and I don’t want to take advantage of that. He’s obviously just doing his job. He’s a fireman. He saves people for a living. I’ve already overstayed my welcome. I debate taking his number, but I worry that in a moment of weakness I might take advantage of him. I could tell that Derek has a few of his own demons
. I know the look of pain and loss. I could see it in Derek’s eyes. I’d seen it in my mother’s, and even mine. He doesn’t need any of my demons to add to the pile.

  Derek,

  Thank you for everything you did for me last night. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. Your small act of kindness reminds me that there are decent men still out there in the world.

  Fia

  I stare down at the note, wondering if this will be the last contact I’ll ever have with him. The knot in my stomach grows more at the idea, and I feel a little nauseated. I shake my head and let the note fall to the counter before making my way to the front door to exit the townhouse. The door locks behind me, and it’s then I realize I have no idea where I am and that I have no money. Or anything, for that matter. All that safety I was feeling in that house slips away, leaving a cold anxiety behind.

  Luckily a taxi passes, and I flag it down. I’m just going to have to ask one of the girls at the women’s shelter to cover my fare until I get a chance to go to the bank at some point. When I get to the shelter, Nora is standing outside and covers the tab for me while I give her the Cliff Notes of last night.

  “You alright?” she asks, looking me over. I look a mess, and I know it.

  “I will be,” I tell her as she follows me into the shelter after entering the code to get into the building. Things might be a mess, but I know I can pick myself up. I’ve been in worse situations in my life, and my mom and I picked ourselves up and pulled through. I’ll do the same. I head to one of the storage rooms in search of clothes. I hate to take from the bin, but I really don’t have an option right now.

  “I’m just glad you’re okay.” I look over at her and see the worry in her face.

  “I’m fine, promise. I’m just a little lost on what to do next. I lost everything. I don’t even have an ID.” Without an ID, how am I even going to get money from my own bank account? I let out a long breath as I dig through the bin, finally finding a pair of jeans in my size and a shirt.